String Anxiety and Other Crazy BS

When it rains, it pours.

I hate when a million things start to pile on me and the stress, tears, anxiety, ALL THAT bullshit starts to feel like a full time job. I hate when disasters happen to me in rapid succession.  I probably start to sound like a whiny baby when that happens but I don't really care.

Tonight, it's not the disasters happening to me - it's the disasters happening to my loved ones. I have so much *string anxiety,* it's practically suffocating.  I don't know what's worse, you're OWN disasters that you fight through or those of your friends and family - that you can't fight through FOR them.....

Yeah, I know, it's a bat-shit-crazy idea that I will NEVER understand: *String anxiety* is what I call the anxiety or overwhelming feeling of my wa being disturbed that I FEEL when something bad is ABOUT to happen or someone I am *connected* to is physically experiencing it. It is an actual physical feeling I get, as if *I* were the one suffering, and usually I don't know the reason until I start investigating.

After years, and I mean YEARS of this happening to me, I started putting it together. I can usually resolve the frustration by checking on the most likely candidates (re: I text my sister and ask her what the fuck is wrong), as just identifying the source helps ease it. Once in a while Bek or I won't know the cause and than we start to worry.  Nearly always, when whatever disaster was causing the premonition actually occurs, the anxiety disappears. (Obviously, Bek gets string anxiety, also - at least with our immediate family, and especially me.)

Incidentally, connections are not always permanent, and sometimes unexpected.  For instance, I can feel Emerald's pain, but I didn't always. The more physical time we spend together, the stronger the connection. I find it sorta fascinating when I'm not hating it. In the absence of physical togetherness, the connection has never occurred - or rather, now that I think about it, I don't actually know. I don't think so....I don't think I ever randomly predicted a painful experience for TWM, nor do I feel his emotions.

There are patterns, but I currently lack the technology to conduct experiments for more accurate information. It does sound like bat-shit-craziness, I am aware. But by now, even my parents know to take me seriously when I say *PLEASE drive carefully today....* And if I ask my mom to check on a family member, she does.

The last few days have been painful beyond words or any appropriate explanation - and I am only feeling the peripherals.

It's a very long story and not mine to tell, but Emerald's brother, Anthony is in the ICU.  A mass on his pancreas ruptured before it could be removed. He is a healthy, young, 30 year old man, on life support tonight. Emerald and her dad flew to Texas on Wednesday. He has the "worst level of sepsis" in addition to pneumonia complicating his condition. Work has been great, and we are ALL praying for the family. I am desperately hoping for the best and absolutely staying positive for her.

Than, last night, my neighbor and favorite little girl in the whole world, BEAR, was literally mauled by the babysitter's dog. She is ok, Steph rushed her to the ER, she had surgery in the middle of the night and came home today.  I can't even write about it. I just can't.

BEAR <3

Any and all prayers for the McClary/Walker family (it's on facebook, btw) and my bfaw, Emerald and her family are all greatly appreciated.

That is all I really have to say tonight.

Just sayin, DM

The AR Girl

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to write a book.  I don't know - it has always been a *one day* dream and not a *I must do it now* dream.  It's probably the ONE item on my bucket list that I will be really disappointed about if I don't do it.  

There have countless times in my life that I have sat and tried to force this dream into the *I must do it now* stage with zero results to show for it.  Well - scratch that - the totality of these blog posts is not in the least *zero results*.  There have been plenty of times I kept writing JUST to have a record of the stories in existence - even if I just one day compiled the funniest, the best, the most entertaining posts I've ever written into a book - that thought alone kept me going even when I didn't feel like doing it. 

And I am very proud of everything I have written, it truly is something I cherish. I love owning the story and the length of it, and rereading it. Sometimes I grimace, I often laugh, and I always feel grateful. 

Looking back, I really can't remember how many times I have thought to myself "why the hell can't you think of a story you'd want to tell?" I mean seriously?! I could never picture a novel-length story in my head that begged to be written.  I even think my life has been eventful enough and worthy of some really good novels (because I would take a lot of liberties, I mean poetic license, and I mean: a lot and make it really, really amazing duh....)

I am going to write The AR Girl.  I don't know what yet - a story, a blog, maybe both? But finally I can feel the familiar whisper of something calling me - something that feels real and full of potential.  I can start to feel the tingling of excitement when I hear the phrase The AR Girl.  FINALLY I can see and imagine - well, anything.  I can see a novel, a blog like this one, in which I just write about whatever I want, I can see lots of ideas floating around like tiny tv sets inside bubbles, in my head and I just need to keep poking at them until the right idea starts to kick the *I must do it now* feeling in until the *one day* feeling gets pushed aside completely. 

I'm excited. *tee hee*

Just sayin, DM