The Struggle is Real

Six months AFTER Nate and I broke up and he is STILL getting his shit crap out of my place.

And seeing him in person still hurt like a mother.




Six months... In the 7 years since my divorce, I have always felt like dating - even when nursing a broken heart. In fact, rebounds were good distractions. Sometimes it went well, and a lot of times not. But it was always interesting. And fun.... Even when I did feel heartbroken, I knew it would last for a short time and I would move on. I always did.

But now I'm all like "meh." 
I love family life - I love the way a family works together, lives together, laughs together. I like the structure that bigger families inherently need. I always enjoyed THAT aspect of marriage and it's definitely something I would choose for myself: to have a companion in my little, happy family. After all, the more, the merrier.

Yet. I mean, it's not like I'm going to settle. [for very long*] Or expect perfection either. There was an amazing balance of yin and yang with my ex-husband and I could feel that potential with Nate (and very much reciprocated) and if that comes along again, I hope I don't miss it.
[*not a Nate reference.]

I'm so totally blessed to have my boys and I'm surprisingly happy on my own.  If it weren't for the fear of one day becoming the crazy cat lady/hermit who writes all day and travels only by herself, I wouldn't at all be concerned at this feeling of contented singledom. 

Except for times like tonight. Seeing him made me miss him. I am determined to keep enjoying as many outdoor activities as I can with my boys, including all the new things he taught us - but *shrugs* I'd be lying if I said it was just as good without him. I guess it's just that simple. So...you know, not the end of the world or anything. Just my Tuesday night.

I'm going to concentrate on my kids and my job - they need me the most right now, anyway.

Just sayin' ~ DM

It's A God Thing

Let's face it: life hasn't exactly been a bowl of cherries lately. I mean, really, shit's been hard. 
My parents are traveling, work has been really stressful/busy, teenagers are expensive and have more wants than brains (understatement), I've had no dating life to speak of and I've barely had time to TEXT my friend friends, let alone hang out.

But God always reminds me that he's watching out. It always feels like a soft, encouraging hand that gently rests on my shoulder when I remember that - and that's probably the best way that I ever been able describe the way I feel faith. He did that for me tonight, and I needed it. Tonight, what I heard was this:

"I know things have been rough. It may be a rough year, but I know you'll get through. One thing leads to another, there is always a purpose. Because of that, I can't exactly "fix" everything for you, but this will help, and Know that I'm here for you. Keep going girl, you're doing good."

Amongst the trials and tribulations of: what the hell is up with these grades, random social events/please drive me everywhere, turning 13 and soon 16, getting registered driver's training, part two, wondering where I'll find the $$ for a car AND summer camp, or when I'll find time to get the dog her shots AND MORE: Riley asks if we can sell the dirt bike to buy a four wheeler. 

Yeah, son. Right now I want to go through the hassle of selling a bike that I don't know how to DESCRIBE, drive or even start. Yeah, that totally sounds do-able. Let me fit that in my schedule and budget for you because I've really been lacking in the parenting department. [asswipe]

And no, I don't feel like texting my ex-boyfriend for help.

[btw: thanks, rossss for being so helpful; many blank stares and farts in your general direction]

Than EMERSON lost his brain and stated:
"Actually, Mom, I would ride a four wheeler, too. The bike is  too scary. Only a psycho would ride that." [pointed look, ignored by Rie who celebrated instead]
"HIGH FIVE! Best brother ever! See, mom? It would be a FAMILY thing!"

Now I hate am annoyed by you both.  It went from "no way, not now" to "ooh you little shits, that is so not fair dangling the promise of family time like that." sighhhhhhhhh

Of course, last weekend we were driving all over Southeast Michigan looking at the damned things and planning our next move. And of course I did enough research to feel comfortable listing it on Craigslist - I would do just about anything to spend quality time, especially outdoors, with my family - and that's no joke.  After a week of thorough "Ok, I can do this" pep-talking myself, I sat down at my computer to list it on Craigslist Sunday night and I notice a listing...

Oh look, here's an ATV exactly like the one Riley wanted and it's the same price as I was going to list the bike for....

NO SHIT. At the very, very bottom of the listing, almost as an afterthought, it says:

Or will trade for a dirt bike of the same value. Looking for a 125cc 2 stroke dirt bike, preferably a Honda CR

"Riley. Look at this, isn't that exactly what we have? And that's the quad you wanted..."
"Yes and yes, Mom!!!! Text him!"

He was interested. Actually, he was very interested. We set up a time to meet on Tuesday. It all seemed too good to be true. And than..........

I didn't hear from him after that. Tuesday came and went. And I mean, really - what were the odds? The most daunting task on my *to do* couldn't possibly just work out like that, could it??

Last night I told Riley that we would try AFTER we settled paying for scooter and parkour camp. He was totally ok with it. This morning, however, I woke up to a text: "Is the bike still available? I dropped and smashed my phone screen and just got it fixed. I can come out tonight if it's not sold."

Um, ok. But can you just bring the quad with you in case you like the bike and my son likes the quad?

Not that I believed it would be easy. Nothing can ever be easy, can it?

Ha! According to God: yes, it can. (crap, is that gloating? scratch that...)

Thank you, God. As always, you rock.

just like that....


Just sayin, DM

You look so...

Have you ever met one of those people who just argues - about everything? You could say "the sky is blue" and they would reply "it's more like a light indigo..." ?

I try to consider where that person is coming from before replying, engaging and/or ignoring. Sometimes it's just a bad habit, sometimes people just like to keep talking, sometimes it's a more intolerable form of narcissism {those are the ones I ignore} but there's a range of people who like to argue more than me.

My son Riley is currently one. Whether or not it's a phase or he's an asshole for life has yet to be determined. I'm his mom, the outlook isn't great for him. [I do sort of feel bad...]

Riley: Mom stop spelling # its weird
Me: I'm right here, you don't have to text.
Riley: I was being discreet, mom, so you wouldn't look dumb. 

[And no - this is NOT said in a kind, thoughtful way. Oh no, this kid manages to say everything in a sarcastic/half chuckle/but COULD be serious kind of tone: I'm saying the right words but I'm still an ass that's going to argue with you. He did not invent this, BTW.]

Me: Son, I'm not stupid, I know how to use a hashtag, it's an inside joke -
Riley: With old people?
Emerson: oohh great, we're all gonna die
Riley: oldER people, I meant.... But I mean, who else would it be with?
Me: Really?
Riley:Well?
Me: Rie, stop. I hate arguing with you just to argue. I'm not doing it and don't push my buttons tonight.
Riley: Ok, geeeez. You look so - 
Emerson: omigod he's the dumbest person alive
Me: blank stare - it's the scariest one to them

[slow motion: I look over, Emerson ducks, I raise my eyebrows, the light dawns in Rie] 

..pretty. You seem really pretty today, Mom.

Just sayin' ~ DM