Friday, October 30, 2015

Hand-Placed Stone Walls

Fall of 2015. It has a ring to it, like I can see myself saying *back in the fall of '15* one day...[shrugs] It feels like a time for many new beginnings, it feels like potential is in the air.

[TANGENT: But that's the frustrating thing about potential - it always feels like it's OUT there blowing around outside for me to catch it, leaving my fate and destiny up to me - scarring me with the fear of never catching enough and thus hearing the inevitable *she had so much potential, though....* Which, if those words were indeed ever uttered about me, it was never within my earshot. YEAH - my psycho head lived with thoughts like that for a very, very long time...therapy is such a good thing.]

I am damned pleased with how my blog header and title came out. I worked on the design for 2 days. In the end, I can honestly say it's a bit overdone, but every time I tried to simplify it, I came back to that ^.

One thing that has surprised me this week is just how refreshing it was that I wasn't always staring at the entirety of my life story every time I logged on to to write.  There isn't much I regret in all the years I have been blogging, nothing that I want or need to hide from, and certainly there is shit ton of laughter, joy, and growth. Yet...

It's nothing negative at all except the weight of the feel as a whole. When I look at the non-existent past on this page, it seriously surprises me how refreshingly blank it looks as opposed to barren and empty. Nothing is coming easy to me yet - I am still forcing every word out after painfully prolonged pauses and overly careful consideration. The power of forced brainstorming and introspection is pretty cool:  I find myself considering things differently, I write blogs in my head during my drives [even if I forget every single one by the time I pull in for the night, lol. true story], I LOVE all the tangent thinking, hours lost in my own head, and usually I find a bunch of cool songs while I'm searching for theme music.

Theme music is extremely important.

I never did find the right words to describe the seemingly endless ripple effects that cancer had for my family. But that, too, finally feels positive for the first time in a couple of years. New beginnings in more ways than I will remember to write about: my sister, Bump retiring, Toph is married, I have settled into my house.

Those things make me smile.

Fall is here, the kids have started school.  The holidays can usher in some even more cheer and maybe by than, I will start seeing all the empty places in my house as extra space in my home. Maybe I'll start using my basement office more - it's so cozy, clean and cute down here. This dirty, uneven, and rough cement floor has hand-placed stone walls and stairs that lead outside to go inside. It's one of my favorite spots to be when it's dark and cold outside.

I didn't write about anything important or anything that I'd intended, but I wrote for an hour and a half and my goal was one. Cool.

Just sayin'.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Companionship is Cool

"Actually next week i am going to buy my 2nd pistol (45 M1911) to go with the Mossberg 500/8 pump."

I am staring at you right with the fakest blank look ever, trying to disguise eyes burning with envy, fury, and greed with feigned indifference. I'm wondering: if I stare at you long enough, annoyingly enough or enigmatically enough (I'm alternating) will you just buy TWO, simply to get my thinly veiled envious and near violent eyes off of your new 1911?    
[eh? maybe? ok.]

Damn, I am such a badass now that I own guns. Gunsssss  - plural. [2 counts.] SUCH a badass!

"What is it about human companionship that once it's not available sends most people into a funk?"

Oh come onnnnnnn [slight whine] I was just feeling like a badass. Just now. Right there. Not even five sentences ago.  But: I am so not a badass. I am most definitely a jackass and clearly always a smart ass, but dammitall! Totally not as badass as I wanna be. Because I AM IN A FUNK. I am and I hate it!

But, [and you knew this was coming, I'm sure of it]
FIRST of all, MOST people need, enjoy and benefit greatly from human companionship in so many ways, I don't even want to start to list them because of all the potential tangents that could send me on!

[Sometimes I don't think you read your own writing - writers *smh* [eyeroll].  Because I have read a lot of your stuff and I KNOW you get it.]

Even if we pare it down to the simplest and most blatant benefits: in person conversation being available without much effort. HELP on all kinds of levels is available.  Comfort and routines are developed - even mostly separate with conflicting schedules - the comfort of the routine is cool.

If we talk about the other, even better things of companionship, like, laughing with someone, that really starts the funk.

Feeling like you're on a Home Team rather than taking care of a home by yourself was a feeling I hadn't realized I'd enjoy so much.  I'd never had it when married, that was all dh. I wanted it with jailbird, but that was ALL me.  Nate and I worked together really well.  Aside from my sister, he was the best partner in problem solving, errand sharing, and chore splitting that I have ever had. 
(Now that's love. Right there.)

So I miss all of that. All the little things that we do and share on a daily basis are just the little things we do, until (cliche) they're not there.  I don't even feel silly about it - I feel like "duh, you were happy, you enjoyed living together, OF COURSE you miss it."

I do feel surprised by the depth of the pain and the length of time it's lingering - but, again, I am just trying to tell myself it's normal. Because I know so much about normal. 

And now you made me write about it. You knew that was coming...sigh.

Just sayin'.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Pit of Despair

Not really, exactly the opposite.

I have to be honest, getting back to writing is a bit overwhelming: I sit, I can't decide where to start, I get distracted, I start browsing gun parts on various different websites, with research links pulled up next to them, and than 2 hours go by and I didn't write a damn thing.

This is day 3.

I'm just....I'm sad. I liked living with Nate, I really liked dating him, and I'm sad that he's not here. He moved out a week and a half ago and I still pick up my phone to tell him something or think his truck is pulling in.

And I don't want to write about ANY of that yet, if ever, so I know part of me is just bound to feel dishonest in whatever I write.  The sadness is an unfair shadow that clouds much of my thinking. Or rather - after work and when the boys aren't around, it tends to be clouding my mind and leaving a dull ache, right there in the pit of my stomach. .... blegh ...

Now I find myself staring at the computer on the WORST day of my two week schedule, the only time the yahoos are away 4 days in a row is on dh's weekend. By that Tuesday, [today] I miss them, I start to feel lost, and a restlessness builds up in me. Right up until about 5 minutes after I pick them up - when I'll likely be wanting to drop Riley off on a corner:  Tomorrow is also the day when they haven't asked me a question in four days and THEY ALL WANT TO COME OUT IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES. 

Now, when they get in the car, I call for immediate silence and allow one sentence to be spoken each, every 3 minutes. Riley always fails. ALWAYS. *smh*

But my sister finally posted the DAMNED PICTURES I'd been asking for since Sunday, and I feel like "phew, I don't have to write, I'll picto-graph."

I do not promote guns per se, nor do I preach self defense - I do not know enough, at all. But I love shooting guns as a sport - like hitting a ball accurately. I absolutely love it. I feel blessed to be learning so much about it that I can teach my kids and my nephews about it. I don't take a political stance one way or the other on gun control (except that I know and follow the laws, otherwise I'd shoot in my backyard...), not because I don't care, but because I'm still learning. Nothing is ever black or white - and this is especially the case when it comes to guns. In my life, however, they are for sport and responsibly maintained.

That is all.  

Now look at my nephews and how much fun this is: 

Oh wait, this is me. But as usual, I look hot. 

"What are you doing, Reese?" "I'm getting ready to shoot that troll that in the tree." 

And that is an afternoon at The Pit.  And by the way - that stake in the ground with 3 clays on it? I made that. It's a clay tree. I mean, it's a stake with a bunch of brads I had laying around, but I was like "sweet, I can shoot this."

Just sayin'. 

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Life is Always Complicated

And here is where pick up the story: life had settled into a pretty good pattern, the journey was good, the destination unknown. c.2013

Then, my brother in law became sick with brain cancer and passed away.  Life was pretty upside down for awhile.  So much sadness, so much healing, so much everything really.... c. 2013-2014

[insert lots of ups and downs here]

2014: I buy a house in the country, on an acre, in a small, small town...and a dog *sighhhh*. And some dirt bikes, knives, and guns. *whaa...?....i knooooww....sigh*
We had the summer of our lives. 2015

Now: fumbling towards normal-ish, maybe nothing really resembling normal, whatever. Praying as we go, that I survive the newest territory of all: parenting teenagers. BOY teenagers. 

Kids. Check.
Family. Check.
Career. Check.
House. Check.
Boyfriend. Check back later. Not a good time. 
Gratitude. Check. 

Not perfect, but damn...so damn close, lol. 
Just sayin, DM