Fall of 2015. It has a ring to it, like I can see myself saying *back in the fall of '15* one day...[shrugs] It feels like a time for many new beginnings, it feels like potential is in the air.
[TANGENT: But that's the frustrating thing about potential - it always feels like it's OUT there blowing around outside for me to catch it, leaving my fate and destiny up to me - scarring me with the fear of never catching enough and thus hearing the inevitable *she had so much potential, though....* Which, if those words were indeed ever uttered about me, it was never within my earshot. YEAH - my psycho head lived with thoughts like that for a very, very long time...therapy is such a good thing.]
I am damned pleased with how my blog header and title came out. I worked on the design for 2 days. In the end, I can honestly say it's a bit overdone, but every time I tried to simplify it, I came back to that ^.
One thing that has surprised me this week is just how refreshing it was that I wasn't always staring at the entirety of my life story every time I logged on to to write. There isn't much I regret in all the years I have been blogging, nothing that I want or need to hide from, and certainly there is shit ton of laughter, joy, and growth. Yet...
It's nothing negative at all except the weight of the feel as a whole. When I look at the non-existent past on this page, it seriously surprises me how refreshingly blank it looks as opposed to barren and empty. Nothing is coming easy to me yet - I am still forcing every word out after painfully prolonged pauses and overly careful consideration. The power of forced brainstorming and introspection is pretty cool: I find myself considering things differently, I write blogs in my head during my drives [even if I forget every single one by the time I pull in for the night, lol. true story], I LOVE all the tangent thinking, hours lost in my own head, and usually I find a bunch of cool songs while I'm searching for theme music.
Theme music is extremely important.
I never did find the right words to describe the seemingly endless ripple effects that cancer had for my family. But that, too, finally feels positive for the first time in a couple of years. New beginnings in more ways than I will remember to write about: my sister, Bump retiring, Toph is married, I have settled into my house.
Those things make me smile.
Fall is here, the kids have started school. The holidays can usher in some even more cheer and maybe by than, I will start seeing all the empty places in my house as extra space in my home. Maybe I'll start using my basement office more - it's so cozy, clean and cute down here. This dirty, uneven, and rough cement floor has hand-placed stone walls and stairs that lead outside to go inside. It's one of my favorite spots to be when it's dark and cold outside.
I didn't write about anything important or anything that I'd intended, but I wrote for an hour and a half and my goal was one. Cool.
Just sayin'.
Than or then, one or won? Bwahahahaahhaha goofball!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though over the years of 99.99% of seeing you through words, knowing you through written communications, watching you via language I have ad the utterly pleasurable and unique perspective of having watched you mature--not as in matronly mature but rather mature as in having come into your own sense of self.
(why haven't I found an appropriate place to insert the words,fuck or any variations of it, damn, shit yet?)
And that maturity is you reaching your potential DM, the place you were to the place your are now is pure potential reached for and attained. Want more, think you can be more, have more, love more, deeper, profoundly? Eh guess what?
That is you building upon the potential already realized to strive for even higher goals to accomplish, even if you have no words or dreams of them yet. Simply because you ask; it means you are not static.
Which is cool because a moving target is harder to hit and every time I have witnessed you get hit, you have grown, gotten tougher, gone deeper into your own heart to see what happened and dislodged the projectile. You should be an action movie star badass--self repairing all the time and always looking for a new form.
No DM, you just keep on your course, trim the sails as needed, float as desired and know you do have a divine wind pushing you, filling the canvas of your ship: S.S. Goofball.
I Love You in those moments when you forget to love yourself.
TWM (gb my ass)
I've read this 3 times. Thank you, thank you a thousand times over for such special words. I feel speechless...
ReplyDelete^^^ What TWM said. I once read somewhere, if your not searching for answers or constantly learning, you're dead. I agree with TWM life is about striving to improve on what's already there. Strength comes from experience (and I still say WTF to that one, I've had plenty of cracks and pitfalls to fill).
ReplyDeleteAs for writing, I stopped for a while. *Shrugs* I forgot the one component that resounded within me, words help you speak life out into the open, let you see where your footing is, and more times than not where you're going to land. I also forgot, in my case, words give you a voice, sometimes we simply need to hear 'ourselves' clearly and words manage to accomplish that.
Life will ALWAYS be complicated, it's how you react that matters. Love you sweet friend.