Tuesday, December 29, 2015

My Playlist

~ Because a song depressingly close to autobiographical yet STILL makes me dance to the beat is totally where it's at.

Polaroid Imagine Dragons
I'm a reckless mistake
I'm a cold night's intake
I'm a one night too long
I'm a come on too strong
All my life I've been living in the fast lane
Can't slow down
I'm a rollin' freight train
One more time
Gotta start all over

Can't slow down
I'm a lone red rover
I'm a hold my cards close
I'm a wreck what I love most

I'm a first class let down
I'm a shut up sit down
I am a head case
I am the color of boom

That's never arriving
At you are the pay raise
Always a touch out of view
And I am the color of boom
All my life I've been living in the fast lane
Can't slow down
I'm a rollin' freight train
One more time
Gotta start all over
Can't slow down
I'm a lone red rover
How did it come to this
Love is a polaroid
Better in picture
But never can fill the void
I'm a midnight talker
Oh I'm an alley walker
I'm a day late two face
I'm a burn out quick pace
I am a head case
I am the color of boom
That's never arriving
At you are the opera
Always on time and in tune
And I am the color of boom
I’m gonna get ready
For the rain to pour heavy
Oh, let it fall, fall
Let it fall upon my head

~ Because always.

Don't Give Up

By Peter Gabriel
In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose
Don't give up
'cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good
Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that wed be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn
Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything
Don't give up
Cause somewhere there's a place
Where we belong
Rest your head
You worry too much
Its going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don't give up
Please don't give up
Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That rivers flowing
That rivers flowing
Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs
Songwriters: GABRIEL, PETER
© EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
For non-commercial use only.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Note to Self

Know when to throw in the towel.

That is all.
~ DM

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Seriously, it can't be fun pissing off a writer.....

Double edge support: what? What is that, you ask? That is pure bullshit is what that is.  You heard me.

No worries about that anymore [brushes hands together] Peace out on the double edge support.  I didn't know I was such an awful person, but it turns out, I am. (Why, yes. Yes, that IS pissed-off-beyond-words-sarcasm spewing from my fingers. Sometimes I even grit my teeth while I type. True story.)

I have not been in the best of places lately - it's just been a really hard, stressful time for me. I've been fairly open, honest and upfront about it all, too. It's the #1 reason I knew I had to start writing regularly again - I knew tough times were headed my way, and than when Nate walked out 2 weeks later, well... The difficulty of this quarter was not altogether unexpected.  But even with warning, you try to mentally prepare for a rough patch, yet DUDE, it's still ROUGH. DUH. [Super duh]

Or, as my kids would say "Mom, the struggle is real."

I learned this very early on.  And thank you, mom and dad, for always being honest with us about real life money and job struggles.  I remember the exact job that taught my dad that *There's no loyalty.* I remember it so well, I can still feel the pain of his words. I knew they stung for him. I knew he was disappointed beyond explanation that this sad concept was real: there is no loyalty, it's not even personal, it's business. I am not disappointed in my employer - they have ALWAYS done right by me.  No, I am probably in less pain than my dad was, because he was responsible enough to try and prepare us for as many harsh realities in life as he could. SO I GET IT. I understand it, I don't blame any one person or my boss, or anyone above her.  I blame.....

no one, actually. It's business. 

I am a single mother with a mortgage, a car, teenagers, etc.  I have a lot that I take care of and am responsible for.  Hell yeah, it's hard. It just is. 

The rest of this one is private.  Yeah, I know, but I had to. Not worth the drama. 

As for the struggle: I am going to make it through.  Shit, I'm almost there - and maybe I'm not as joyful as I can be right now, and maybe life isn't as fun as it can be right now, but OH WELL. I will make it through.  Knowing me, I'll come out ahead somehow. *shrugs* I usually do :)

Tomorrow is my last day of work with the exception of one or two days and some on-call time. Because I inserted those, it's over weeks that I have off. I wanted to paint and do some things to the house, but we'll have to see how the finances look, lol!

That's all. 

Just sayin'. *grin*

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Tonight I found the Words Thanks to Ross

I was surprisingly emotionally affected, just as everyone else has been, by Kira (Bear) getting mauled by a dog she spent everyday with - the absolute, all-encompassing feeling of love for this little girl and the equally visceral reaction of pain it stirred up in everyone is rather stunning. The thought of it, accompanied by images of an innocent, sweet baby ravaged by a dog is universally jarring.

Written and posted by Bear's dad, Ross:
Let it be known. Kira is a brute when it comes to animals. I have no quarrel with the dog that bit her. The only reason it deserves to die is so it can be tested for diseases to make sure my daughter is clean. The problem I have, and the reason I am so angry, is that 911 wasn't called when they should have been and the whole situation was downplayed. I don't believe our babysitter is a bad person, however I do believe they made some bad choices that day including not watching a one year old as closely as they needed to, not dialing 9-1-1 when they needed to, and minimizing the situation.
Thank you everybody for your concern about Kira, but please do not contact the babysitter for any reason. Please remember, that they are heartbroken that it happened. Everybody is safe now and it will not happen again.

That post is so spot on, I couldn't have written it better myself. It's almost exactly what I said to the boys, when they asked about it. And they had a lot of questions - like I said, universally jarring.

I have to imagine going from *wanting to avenge her* to actually *acting out on her behalf* was an easier jump than anyone ever faced before (giving everyone an outlet and target for ANY pain and anger they have inside).

However, I personally could never make that leap without consulting the family or victim first. At the end of the day, I wasn't there. I haven't walked in anyone else's shoes, and no one has given me the power to judge. Trust me, I wanted to shoot the dog. But I didn't want to go to jail, and I didn't want to lose my job. And I TOTALLY would have asked for permission first. Clearly I can decipher the difference between an emotional reaction/fantasy of revenge and something that legitimately needs my help or intervention. (Most things DO NOT need my unsolicited help or advice. I know, I think that's crazy, too.)

Honestly, you never know what was going on, and my own dog, shit - ANY dog poses this risk. For all we know, Bear may have been trying to take the dog's eyeballs out of it's head. She's ONE, she's A BABY! Maybe she was trying to find where pee comes out. Anything is possible, and she is a bright, curious little girl. Nothing would shock me. But absolutely - questions like "why the Hell wasn't 911 called ASAP?!" are legitimate and reasonable.  

It is STILL not my place to ACT unless I truly thought the actions following a tragic accident were putting an innocent child at risk. Which I know, and anyone who has ever met Stephanie Walker and Ross McClary know, that is not the case here. This is a case of a tragic accident involving a sweet little girl and 2 parents who did and will always do the right thing for their babies (as right as the rest of us anyway....).

Blame is a funny thing. Sometimes it seems so obvious and *true* - but that's not real life. Life is never black and white, there are all those stupid shades in between that make it all muddy. Sometimes when we feel *truth* we can be dead wrong. Ask all the assholes that have been recruited by ISIS. We can sure trick ourselves about righteousness, no doubt about it.

I'm super lucky to have Ross and Steph around. Even when Ross's life long friend, Nate, walked out, we remained my friends. I was scared I wouldn't have anyone around here, but they are always there if I need them. After moving 45 minutes away from my family to a town where I knew NO ONE, they are seriously the next best thing to living by family. Thank you, Ross AND Steph, for being you!

Just sayin, DM

Friday, December 11, 2015

String Anxiety and Other Crazy BS

When it rains, it pours.

I hate when a million things start to pile on me and the stress, tears, anxiety, ALL THAT bullshit starts to feel like a full time job. I hate when disasters happen to me in rapid succession.  I probably start to sound like a whiny baby when that happens but I don't really care.

Tonight, it's not the disasters happening to me - it's the disasters happening to my loved ones. I have so much *string anxiety,* it's practically suffocating.  I don't know what's worse, you're OWN disasters that you fight through or those of your friends and family - that you can't fight through FOR them.....

Yeah, I know, it's a bat-shit-crazy idea that I will NEVER understand: *String anxiety* is what I call the anxiety or overwhelming feeling of my wa being disturbed that I FEEL when something bad is ABOUT to happen or someone I am *connected* to is physically experiencing it. It is an actual physical feeling I get, as if *I* were the one suffering, and usually I don't know the reason until I start investigating.

After years, and I mean YEARS of this happening to me, I started putting it together. I can usually resolve the frustration by checking on the most likely candidates (re: I text my sister and ask her what the fuck is wrong), as just identifying the source helps ease it. Once in a while Bek or I won't know the cause and than we start to worry.  Nearly always, when whatever disaster was causing the premonition actually occurs, the anxiety disappears. (Obviously, Bek gets string anxiety, also - at least with our immediate family, and especially me.)

Incidentally, connections are not always permanent, and sometimes unexpected.  For instance, I can feel Emerald's pain, but I didn't always. The more physical time we spend together, the stronger the connection. I find it sorta fascinating when I'm not hating it. In the absence of physical togetherness, the connection has never occurred - or rather, now that I think about it, I don't actually know. I don't think so....I don't think I ever randomly predicted a painful experience for TWM, nor do I feel his emotions.

There are patterns, but I currently lack the technology to conduct experiments for more accurate information. It does sound like bat-shit-craziness, I am aware. But by now, even my parents know to take me seriously when I say *PLEASE drive carefully today....* And if I ask my mom to check on a family member, she does.

The last few days have been painful beyond words or any appropriate explanation - and I am only feeling the peripherals.

It's a very long story and not mine to tell, but Emerald's brother, Anthony is in the ICU.  A mass on his pancreas ruptured before it could be removed. He is a healthy, young, 30 year old man, on life support tonight. Emerald and her dad flew to Texas on Wednesday. He has the "worst level of sepsis" in addition to pneumonia complicating his condition. Work has been great, and we are ALL praying for the family. I am desperately hoping for the best and absolutely staying positive for her.

Than, last night, my neighbor and favorite little girl in the whole world, BEAR, was literally mauled by the babysitter's dog. She is ok, Steph rushed her to the ER, she had surgery in the middle of the night and came home today.  I can't even write about it. I just can't.


Any and all prayers for the McClary/Walker family (it's on facebook, btw) and my bfaw, Emerald and her family are all greatly appreciated.

That is all I really have to say tonight.

Just sayin, DM

Monday, December 7, 2015

The AR Girl

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to write a book.  I don't know - it has always been a *one day* dream and not a *I must do it now* dream.  It's probably the ONE item on my bucket list that I will be really disappointed about if I don't do it.  

There have countless times in my life that I have sat and tried to force this dream into the *I must do it now* stage with zero results to show for it.  Well - scratch that - the totality of these blog posts is not in the least *zero results*.  There have been plenty of times I kept writing JUST to have a record of the stories in existence - even if I just one day compiled the funniest, the best, the most entertaining posts I've ever written into a book - that thought alone kept me going even when I didn't feel like doing it. 

And I am very proud of everything I have written, it truly is something I cherish. I love owning the story and the length of it, and rereading it. Sometimes I grimace, I often laugh, and I always feel grateful. 

Looking back, I really can't remember how many times I have thought to myself "why the hell can't you think of a story you'd want to tell?" I mean seriously?! I could never picture a novel-length story in my head that begged to be written.  I even think my life has been eventful enough and worthy of some really good novels (because I would take a lot of liberties, I mean poetic license, and I mean: a lot and make it really, really amazing duh....)

I am going to write The AR Girl.  I don't know what yet - a story, a blog, maybe both? But finally I can feel the familiar whisper of something calling me - something that feels real and full of potential.  I can start to feel the tingling of excitement when I hear the phrase The AR Girl.  FINALLY I can see and imagine - well, anything.  I can see a novel, a blog like this one, in which I just write about whatever I want, I can see lots of ideas floating around like tiny tv sets inside bubbles, in my head and I just need to keep poking at them until the right idea starts to kick the *I must do it now* feeling in until the *one day* feeling gets pushed aside completely. 

I'm excited. *tee hee*

Just sayin, DM

Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Yooshooders and The Naysayers

NO, I'm NOT kidding. If you have something: stupid, negative, uninspired, unnecessary even, or sad to say and you AREN'T trying to give me a million dollars, I am just NOT interested tonight. Sorry. Nope, not even sorry.

This is the holidays - I want to enjoy the motherfricking holidays with my kids, and family. OK?

***Disclaimer*** [ya in camo, what?]
This post was not written about any ONE person.  And I write that sincerely.  It is a conglomerate of pressures that added up tonight and I wanted to vent.  But I promise, this is not about you. Or you. Or even you - so no worries.  I felt the need to say that because I can see several people reading this and thinking it's in regards to a particular conversation or spark.  It wasn't. I'm stressed, frustrated, busy, emotionally unstable, but not in the crazy kind of way, just in the tears up at any moment kind of way. That is all

I do NOT want to mope, cry, STRESS, think, think and over think about crap I can't change - and tonight? Tonight I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who do!  This is me: taking the night off, please take any of the above named bullshit elsewhere.  Only, I am also reserving this for tomorrow night, too, as I didn't actually get to do THIS until 9 pm.]

I don't even want constructive criticism.  I certainly don't want advice - especially the SHIT TON that seems to be heaped on me, on a daily basis.  People, really I should say MOST PEOPLE don't understand what they are doing when they start sentences with *You should.....*

Are we really that ignorant as a whole, that we always assume the person talking to us wants to - no, is GRATEFUL to - know what WE think THEY should do.  So of course I will tell you, I'm such a good person!

My answer is no, we aren't all that bad. Nor do I really have it in me to be that negative about humanity as a whole. I like to think we're better.  I like to think a lot of things are better than they are, though....so there's that.

We all do it, it's a barrier free, equal opportunity offender.  But for me, for the most part, it happens when I get really excited about something. Or if I really did think of an idea that I want to share, I probably word it rudely, like that. I started this post truly referencing those that do it AS HABIT. They use "you should" the way I abuse "like," "seriously," and "grammar in general." They shall be called the Yooshooders.

You should put a different muzzle break on that.
You should attach your scope differently.
You should ask for different assignments at work.
You should do everything differently than doing it now.
You should train your dog better.  [F YOU, she tries!]   [oops, nevermind, knee jerk reaction]
You should put your fist in your mouth so can't speak clearly.

I strive to choose tolerance over confrontation.  I like to self reflect as a way to learn and grow.  I like to ask certain people about certain things, because THOSE are the people I trust, the opinions I value and understand. I also practice - purposely trying to improve by repetition - my patience, especially if I feel it's ...out of practice.

My family knows me best, obviously, especially my sister, but other than that, there's less than a handful of people, I'd say, that know me well enough to understand THIS about me:  I can't stand, and I mean, I probably HATE, naysayers. I just do. Yooshooders are Naysayers with specific opening sentences, but Naysayers, nonetheless.

That will never work.
WHY would you want to do that?
That is such a dumb idea.
It's probably going to rain.
It's never going to happen because whenever I want something, it doesn't happen.
The Lions suck. [YOU SUCK!]   [oops, nevermind, knee jerk reaction]

I hate negativity for the sake of being negative - why not just shut the f up and move along?  Clearly there are negative circumstances, things, and people - but after you've bitched about it once, does droning on and on and on and on about it really help?  I mean, does it help anyone at all? I don't think so.  Complaining once or twice? Clearly allowed and clearly normal.

This post, for example is negative - but THIS is a choice - you don't have to read.  We aren't in a conversation and if it's bugging you, you can (and SHOULD) read something else. I can vent as *loud* as I want, and have as many people enthralled in listening as I want. (That 2nd part is in my head.)

But the ONE thing - the one damn thing that I cannot stand so bad, it will literally change how I feel about you is INCESSANT ADDICTION TO NEGATIVITY. It affects everything! In my short, young life, I have noticed that people who are incessantly addicted to negativity have several things in common:

  • Total and utter lack of awareness regarding their negativity.
  • Narcissism - which will make some of my list sound redundant
  • Big egos vs large self esteems
  • They ALWAYS want you to agree, particularly when complaining. Always.
    • Can you BELIEVE she did that???? Isn't that HORRIBLE??? That's horrible, am I right? I'm right, right? [You're really not asking, db]
  • 100% committed to THEIR way
      • And THIS is where things can go badly. When I am FED UP AND NOT IN THE MOOD - this characteristic is typically the straw that breaks the camel's back and sends me over the edge.
    • Which means whatever knowitall told me what I should do probably got an earful.
    • Or nothing - I prefer the silent treatment to non-family members.
    • It's rarely even helpful. I almost always find myself thinking "no, that is what you want me to do, you didn't even ask me what I might prefer...."
    • I ONLY tolerate this from ONE person. (I literally promised myself that, actually, a LONG time ago. And I get irritated. And I get annoyed. Once or twice I have gotten damn near pissed, but I will NEVER *go off* on only one person.) You're all thinking it's you, IT ISN'T.
    • Other than that, I strive for patient, patient...patient....ok already...patient.....ALRIGHT I'VE HAD IT. STOP GIVING ME *ADVICE.* Don't assume you know what I'm thinking. Please stop telling me what I should do. Please stop telling me what I've done wrong. You know what? Nevermind, I just erased you from my mind.  YOU SHOULD do the same.
I used to think I wasn't a positive person because I complain a lot - but I am writing about a different type of complaining. I complain because I'm an asshole and yearn for lazy, especially when I don't want to do something. But I don't want to hate life, my family, my friends, my job - how do you LIVE if you have NOTHING good, nothing you LIKE?

And I GET IT - we have all been hit in various ways this year. EVERYONE I know was hit with something overwhelming, awful, hard, etc. And IT IS, YES, HARD.  Trust me, I GET IT. Work? Work has been tough - that's all I feel is appropriate. And I AM worried, absolutely - not about IF I'll have a job, but what the changes mean for me and my family. More specifically, my bills - but I truly won't know until January.  The not knowing is hard - but what is truly hard is HEARING about how awful it is, UNJUST even! Dude, it's business. We work for a corporation that needs to be profitable. Period. 

I love my work, I love my job - I don't want ANY of it to change.  But I can't control any of that, and I highly doubt the shareholders care about my feelings, either.  I don't take it personally. 

My kids put up my Christmas tree for me this year.  They could tell I was frustrated.  I love them so much. 

THAT did feel good.  I am done for the night.  I am not answering calls, voicemails, texts, facebook - NOTHING.  That way, I can control the mood around me without distractions beyond my control. I can concentrate on positive things, like my kids.  The boy ones, not the gun ones.  Although I love them all...

Just sayin'.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Only if you promise not to laugh....

Here are just SOME of the ways I can drive myself bat shit crazy.

[Disappointed pause, accompanied by standard long sigh, RIGHT HERE.]

Crap: I think when it comes to needs vs wants, my Gun Brain can literally talk that line right into extinction. Hands down, I can stand strong against your bullshit, but I downright design, manufacture, AND sell myself MY OWN BULLSHIT. *sigh* that sucks.....

[Already over it.]
I sometimes wonder why I find it OK to publish all the really stupid crap that I think/do/say, in painful detail, (see below) just because I find it hysterical? I never, ever stop to think that someone might actually think I'm stupid. [EVEN when I use than and then wrong, so there!]

I should, perhaps, take it into consideration one day and refrain more, just as I eventually learned restraint when it came to expressing my emotions. Perhaps, one day, I will realize NOT every single stupid thing you think/do/say needs to be shared.

Today is not that day. 

Stupid thought process #1:
Let's bring Bek with me ANYWHERE on Black Friday - yeah, I think my gun brain did that on purpose to mess with my budget brain.

Stupid thought process #2: 
"Hunh, that's weird, I know I had this set amount of *expendable income* - so why do I feel so bad and guilty about this? It isn't like I don't WORK for it. I am not an Ancient Egyptian, either, no one is going to make sure I take it with me....[that is pure Bump, that last one, RIGHT THERE, thanks Dad *sigh*]"

Stupid thought process #3:
"Hunh. Yep, right there: SOFA. That's what I was saving that for....Whooops."

Stupid thought processes, all of the above, continued:
Well that excel spread sheet sure helps out a lot - especially when you LOOK at it before you go shopping.

It literally feels like my Gun Brain did a sneak attack on my Budget Brain.
[That's right, it's not ME. It's portions of me that aren't under my control, thus I can place responsibility on THEM, which is basically: elsewhere, and not on ME, me.]

Darrrnnnn I spent my sofa money on a new gun.

I even had the damned dog cover for it and everything. And the big fuzzy throw from Pier1 that is oh-so-cozy.

They both look fine on my half eaten, very slumped, Gracie-ruined current sofa. 

"Thank you, gun brain, I have enjoyed the new gun. But was that reeeeallly a need over a piss-covered sofa in the living room of the house that everyone lives in?? Hunnnhhh? Gun Brain? What do you have to say for yourself?!"

"pew pew pew....pew pew"

Just sayin ~ DM

~ PS I love it when a post goes sideways.